I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22

I sat down at my computer to try to write something articulate and thoughtful for my brother’s birthday… but I just couldn’t think of anything to say. My heart is still broken. It’s been almost two years and I am still not okay. I still think of my brother every day. I still ask God why he took my brother, why he changed my life, and why I can’t just feel better. Despite all this, I am so thankful for all those in my life that continually support me. Special thanks to my dear Rebekah Lusk, who continually reminds me that God is omniscient and always in control. I have held onto so many sayings that Rebekah has taught me this year. These are the things that help me keep going every day. Here are just a few.

• You didn’t come this far to only come this far

• “How rare and beautiful it is to even exist”

• The Lord is close to the broken-hearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18)

• I can trust God with this

• Anxiety will not get the best of me

• He will sustain me

• There is a future version of me that is proud I was strong enough

• I can do hard things

• It is ok if all I did today was survive

• Tell the story of the mountains you climbed. Your words could be a page in someone else’s survival guide

• Interrupt anxiety with gratitude

• You are not weak for needing time to sort through this

• The pain you are feeling could not compare to the joy that is coming

I live my life with constant hope that Travis’ passing will be meaningful. If this terrible tragedy impacts one person, if it draws just one person closer to God, it will all be okay. I hope that one day I will see what God is doing in my life with all of this. But for now, I miss you, Trav, and I love you with my whole heart. Happy Birthday.