Why It’s Ok To Admit You’re Having a Hard Time

As school has started back recently, I’ve been seeing many people I haven’t seen since the end of my junior year. Most of the reunions happen the same way, “Oh hey Alexa! How was your summer?” Normally, I don’t really say the truth. So here I am, outing myself: I had a terrible summer.

After my brother died, I never really got the time to truly mourn or lament. Not to mention the hard situation I faced very shortly after Travis’ death (a story for another time). I jumped right back into school and attempted to jump right back into my old life. I thought going back to Summer Show-Offs would fix my deep depression. Shouldn’t something that brings me such joy get rid of such deep sadness? Long story short, I wasn’t able to complete the summer working for the camp that I so dearly love. Leaving Summer Show-Offs was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Everyday I missed my friends, I missed the kids, and I missed the joy bringing confidence to first and second graders brought me. I’d love to say that instead I spent my summer grieving my brother and healing my broken spirit, but that isn’t exactly the truth.

I spent the summer being mad at God. I couldn’t understand why God had to take my brother and why God had to take Summer Show-Offs from me. I continually questioned why who I used to be wasn’t good enough to glorify God, and why he had to change my life to find glory within it. I spent the summer so angry with God and feeling so sorry for myself. A few weeks ago, I would have never admitted this to anyone. But I recently realized, openly lamenting is ok.

The Bible is full of cases in which people cry out to God and question his plan for their lives. The Psalm that has become my greatest comfort is Psalm 77. The Psalmist is passionately crying out to God, and he truly does not know if God is going to hear him. He says, “I think of God; I groan; I meditate; my spirit becomes weak” (Psalm 77:3 CSV). I related with the Psalmist so much when I read this. Throughout the summer, the thought of God made my heart ache, and reading and spending time in his word made me weak. I felt completely alone and completely isolated by God. At this point in the story, you’re probably expecting me to talk about what made me feel better. I am not going to do that.

The reality of most Christian situations is, not every story has a nice and neat little ending. In a Christian community, I think we feel pressure to assure people that our faith is still strong through trials. When this idea is just not a reality. It wasn’t a reality in biblical times either. I did not learn until this year that over 60 of the Psalms are laments. These are real people crying out to God and even questioning him. And guess what? Not all of these Psalms end with happy faithful reassurances. So I’m writing this to remind both myself and others that it is ok to say you had a hard time, but it is ever more ok to say you’re having a hard time.

In all honesty, I am having the hardest time, still. I find it hard to get up in the morning, I find it hard to put a smile on my face, I find it hard to talk to my friends, and overall I just find it hard to live my every day life. My brother just died. And I am still not ok. And that is ok.